In all my years of school I do not know if I have ever learned so much in just 5 weeks and 5 days.
On the humorous side I have realized the incredible amount of things I really can do one handed and that Lee cannot, just how little sleep I actually "need" in order to keep functioning, while at the same time becoming painfully aware of just how nice sleep can be. I have also learned that I can be indifferent to being peed on or getting poop on my hand, can somehow forget about what I may look like or if I have brushed my teeth yet until the door bell rings and I am snapped back into reality, and everything I used to do quickly now takes 3 to 5x as long. (i.e. This is the third time I have sat down to work on this blog in 4 days). I understand the meaning of 'mother bear' & have found myself ready to stand over my little cub and defend her at all costs. (this has increased my fear of mother bears in the wild because now I can imagine what they will want to do to me if I come close to or harm their little babe).
On the more sentimental side I have learned just how many hours can pass in a day spent just staring at this beautiful little person we have been blessed with. I finally understand what Stevie Wonder was really feeling when he said "I can't believe what God has done, through us He's given life to one." In my most sleep deprived stage of life I have learned no matter how tired I am or exhausted I feel or what hour of the night it is there is just nothing as precious or captivating as those big, sweet eyes staring at me in the dim light.
Just the other night my sweet little Lydia Jane was fussing and not wanting to be laid down. So, as I often do, I laid her beside me in bed. And there we were. Both laying on our sides facing each other and I couldn't help but surrender to the smile on my lips. She had stopped crying and was laying there staring at me, totally content. She just wanted to be close to her mama. While moments before I was in a zombie state of fatigue I suddenly felt no desire to close my eyes. I don't know how long I stared into her lovely eyes and studied her perfect face, but no amount of sleep would be worth giving that moment up.
I never knew how special it could be to be the only one who can 'fix it'. It was something I had been looking forward to for months, maybe longer, to be the mama when only the mama has the touch.
Fear has a whole new meaning to me now. As trusting of The Lord as I desire to be, in small moments I have found myself stricken with fear at the realization of the things I cannot protect her from, frozen in terror at the story of a baby being hurt or even dying, and hitting my knees in prayer as I cradle her and my mind torments me with all of the bad and scary events that could occur that could cause her physical or emotional harm.
Have I ever prayed more fervently? Have I ever been more desperate for God's hedge of protection? Have I ever cared so deeply or loved so fully? No. Never. Not once.
People told me I would know a love I had never known and be more in love than I ever had. I believed them of course, but never imagined it, never comprehended it until now. It makes me miss my mother terribly and it also makes me want to shower her with apologies for my rude junior high years, the times I lied to her or spoke rudely to her, and any grief or stress I ever caused her. But just when I become afraid she may still be hurt by me or even angry I realize how much she loves me as her own baby girl and I know that I am amazingly blessed to have a mother who loves me as greatly as I love my sweet little one.
I am not ready for Lydia Jane to grow up. I will cherish every sweet little moment and day to the best of my ability. And I will pray for her always & maybe one day she will bring in to the world a precious little baby and she will have the epiphany or realization of my great love for her. No matter how much I try to express it to her, until then, I do not think she will ever be able to grasp it.