Hard work & humbling
Yesterday marked two months since I began the beautiful road of excessive vomiting and tomorrow marks 15 weeks of our surprise pregnancy. ahh life.
Today as I vomited violently into the sink at school for the hundredth time I found myself crying and whispering in between heaves, "I can't... I just can't." It was truly one of my most pathetic moments. I looked up into the mirror to see my face a bright reddish purple and thought, "great, now I'll scare the 1st graders into submission" and took off for my next reading group. Either kids are just less judgmental or completely oblivious because they never seem to notice or comment on the bright red cheeks, sweaty face, or smudged mascara. Still, while I thought I couldn't, I could, and I did survive another morning at the elementary school.
I am proud to say that I have not missed a single morning at my job at the school due to this sickness, but there have been many a times when I wanted to. Nonetheless, my hope goes on. I have set a new marker for a hopeful end date. Sure, the initial goal was 12 weeks, but since that was 3 weeks ago, it was time to make a new one. So I'm hoping for some relief come week 18. That will only be a small 12 weeks of vomiting, gagging, dry heaving, and constant hunger that can't be quenched bc I am forever returning the food I ate. Which really, is a small price to pay for the miracle of life, right?
I'm doing my best to be positive, but as I lay in bed (because I know if I move I'll be dashing to the toilet again) I just feel overwhelmed. How do people do this for so long? How do people do this with other small children at home? Why am I such a whimp? I just want to feel normal again and I'm having a pathetically whiney 'poor me' moment. Snap out of it Jo! That's what I try to tell myself in the mirror when I start to feel sorry for myself. I know that I am lucky to even be able to have a baby, even if it was an 'accident'. I am very very lucky. I am just also very very tired of being sick.
We leave for Mexico in March for a trip with Soar to Guadalajara. I am very excited, but will need lots of prayers. I do not want to be vomiting the whole time and I want to be a help not a hindrance. If you think of it, say a prayer for us. I kind of need it.
Today as I vomited violently into the sink at school for the hundredth time I found myself crying and whispering in between heaves, "I can't... I just can't." It was truly one of my most pathetic moments. I looked up into the mirror to see my face a bright reddish purple and thought, "great, now I'll scare the 1st graders into submission" and took off for my next reading group. Either kids are just less judgmental or completely oblivious because they never seem to notice or comment on the bright red cheeks, sweaty face, or smudged mascara. Still, while I thought I couldn't, I could, and I did survive another morning at the elementary school.
I am proud to say that I have not missed a single morning at my job at the school due to this sickness, but there have been many a times when I wanted to. Nonetheless, my hope goes on. I have set a new marker for a hopeful end date. Sure, the initial goal was 12 weeks, but since that was 3 weeks ago, it was time to make a new one. So I'm hoping for some relief come week 18. That will only be a small 12 weeks of vomiting, gagging, dry heaving, and constant hunger that can't be quenched bc I am forever returning the food I ate. Which really, is a small price to pay for the miracle of life, right?
I'm doing my best to be positive, but as I lay in bed (because I know if I move I'll be dashing to the toilet again) I just feel overwhelmed. How do people do this for so long? How do people do this with other small children at home? Why am I such a whimp? I just want to feel normal again and I'm having a pathetically whiney 'poor me' moment. Snap out of it Jo! That's what I try to tell myself in the mirror when I start to feel sorry for myself. I know that I am lucky to even be able to have a baby, even if it was an 'accident'. I am very very lucky. I am just also very very tired of being sick.
We leave for Mexico in March for a trip with Soar to Guadalajara. I am very excited, but will need lots of prayers. I do not want to be vomiting the whole time and I want to be a help not a hindrance. If you think of it, say a prayer for us. I kind of need it.
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You are NOT a wimp. 12 weeks of vomiting is really, really hard! Hang in there, it WILL stop! I'll be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteOh my... I really DO feel your pain! I had extreme "morning" sickness with 4 out of 5 children myself... the last pregnancy even came with pills for the nausea, which I was reluctant to take anyway. So hang in there... there is an end in sight!
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